Just joking

Where local laws proscribe the telling of humorous stories mentioning religion, race, or physical characteristics, you should only read the jokes below that do not contain such references and skip the others.

If we catch you reading the other stories, ve vill report you to zee orthorities! You haff been vorned!

Computer Points to Ponder

Old Habits Die Hard

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

Printer Problems

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division For about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, Which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, And yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, But green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this "yellow" construction paper?"

A TV wedding

Two antennae got married. The ceremony was long and boring but the reception was terrific.

What is Life Without Email

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day."

Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the Microsoft manager replies, "Well then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb flat of tomatoes at the supermarket.

Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day,he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.

And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.

After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickup truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What! You don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if only you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!"

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"

Building Bill's House

If houses were built like certain software products ...

Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think it's a little smaller than we anticipated."

Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."

Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."

Bill: "Stacker?"

Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."

Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."

Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

Bill: "You're kidding!?"

Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

Bill: "Sigh. Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."

Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."

Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, re-enter the house and then you can get back to work."

Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"

Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it... nobody made you buy it."

Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"

Contractor: "Oh, in your next house, which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays and we may have to omit a few features ..."

A heavenly welcome

A computer technician dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologises for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the technician sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive."

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"

The technician is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

Viva

Two blondes are listening to the radio with the announcer advertising the new Holden Viva.

"All new styling, choice of sedan or hatch, automatic or manual transmission, and it comes complete with four airbags, power steering and windows..."

"I'm not buying one of them!" says one of the blondes emphatically.

"Why not?" asks her friend.

"My boyfriend reckons Linux is better than Windows and I want the best when I buy a new car!"

Windows 2005 Southern Edition

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Windows 2005 Southern Edition may have accidentally been shipped outside of the US south.

If you have one of these, you may need help understanding the commands. The Southern Edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS 2005, with a background picture of Waylon and Willie, superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Please also note:

Pink curtains

A blonde walks into a curtain shop and tells the assistant she wants to buy some pink curtain material. He tells her to follow him out the back where he shows her all their shades and ranges of pink. Finally she decides on a floral pink design.

"That's very nice," comments the assistant. "I'll go and cut some for you. How much would you like?"

"Forty centimetres? Are you sure that's the right measurement?" asks the confused sales assistant.

"Yes," she assures him. "I just got a new computer which has got windows and I want to make the some curtains for them."

High technology diagnostics

A pet owner took his sick dog to the vet. By the time he arrived, the dog did not appear to be breathing. Refusing to believe the worst, the pet owner demanded that the veterinarian check the dog over.

The vet listened with his stethoscope, poked and prodded the dog and then announced the inevitable. The owner was frantic. "I demand that you do a thorough examination, all the tests, second opinion ... whatever it takes!"

The vet left the room and returned with a Labrador. He led the Labrador over to the dog and the Labrador sniffed at the dog's head and then the other end, shook his head and said "Woof", meaning "He's had it, mate!"

Then the vet left the room again and returned with a moggy. The feline checked the dead dog over from head to tail and announced "Meow", meaning "He's dead as a dodo!"

The vet then handed the owner a bill for $600. "$600! That's far too much!" screamed the owner. "Well", said the vet, "I would have only charged you $50, but you wanted the Lab work and the Cat scan!"

Roses

A man stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for his wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on his bouquet, another man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses. "I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."

The desperate customer turned to the other man and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" the first man asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," the second man confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive."

Munjibar

Munjibar was trying to get into Australia legally through Immigration. The Officer said, 'Munjibar, you have passed all the tests so far, but there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Australia.' Munjibar said, 'I am ready.' The officer said, 'Make a sentence using the words "yellow", "pink" and "green".'

Munjibar thought for a few minutes and then announced, 'Mister Officer, I am ready.' The Officer said, 'Go ahead.' Munjibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, "Yellow, this is Munjibar."'

Munjibar now lives in a neighbourhood near you, and works at an ISP help desk. Perhaps you have spoken to him recently.

Ancestors

After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Japanese scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 meters and headlines in the US papers read: 'US scientists have found traces of 2000-year-old optical fibers, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Japanese.'

One week later, a Indian newspaper reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 500 meters, Indian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless technology.'

Doctors, architects and programmers

It is said that the great American architect, Frank Lloyd Wright, once remarked that 'Doctors can bury their dead, but architects can only advise their clients to grow vines. Inspired by that, an amateur programmer and computer enthusiast came up with 'Good programmers can hide their mistakes, but bad ones can only advise their clients to format their hard drives'.

Heaven and hell

Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go."

Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"

Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.

When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven." Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven.

Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.

Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons. "So, how is everything going?" God asked. Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?"

Help desk

To fully appreciate this, it helps to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to really understand computers. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on ...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:

Costello: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

Abbott: Your computer?
Costello: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

Abbott: Do you want a computer with windows?
Costello: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

Abbott: Wallpaper.
Costello: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

Abbott: Software for windows
Costello: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

Abbott: Office
Costello: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

Abbott: I recommend Office with Windows.
Costello: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, let's just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

Costello: I'm going to click your blue W if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping, you have anything I can track my money with?

Abbott: Why not, they own it.

(A few days later)...

Important Notice:

Computer Points to Ponder

Old Habits Die Hard

Printer Problems

A TV wedding

What is Life Without Email

Building Bill's House

A heavenly welcome

Viva

Windows 2005 Southern Edition

Pink curtains

High technology diagnostics

Roses

Munjibar

Ancestors

Doctors, architects and programmers

Heaven and hell

Help desk